Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
