I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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