Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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