I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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