All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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