i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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