Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
