I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
