beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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