sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
