I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
