She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
