An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
