i permit you to call me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i drank out of a bidet.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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