pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
