If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
