and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
