You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He shit in the fireplace
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