Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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