Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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