i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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