She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
