There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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