you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
