A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dick very happy bro
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
