Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
