im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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