I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
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