If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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