Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
