Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
A bitchslap is in order.
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