happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
