meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think my tv is drunk
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
