I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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