Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
