i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
