What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
