just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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