Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
