he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
