so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
