i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
