i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize