you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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