just tell him i said nine months
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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