got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
