i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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