I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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