I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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