Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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