Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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