1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
