they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
