My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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