Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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