Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
