Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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