omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
