One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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