Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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